As my little one cried out “momma” for the countless time, after countless nights in a row, I contemplated, “Am I a good mommy for co-sleeping and cuddling him or does he know I am a sucker?”
Remember when I wrote about my son’s rolling-over woes? Well, by night two, that turned into him coming into our bed with us at whatever time he woke up.
What I am about to say may step on some toes, but I am not saying what everyone else should do, but what we do. I do not want my now 7-month-old still in my bed every night when he is 1, 2, 3, or even 4. Here’s the thing. Yes, I know he is little. Yes, I know he will eventually grow out of it. But here is what I also know: Co-sleeping comes with some risk, and I do not want either my husband or myself to be the reason we lose our son. We have already endured the loss of one child. I can’t imagine the guilt we would carry if our child died because of something we could prevent. Not to mention the fact that in college I rolled over onto my bird and killed it. I digress … another story for another time.
Also, I don’t sleep well with a little one in bed with me. I sleep on the edge of the bed, I feel like I can’t move any part of my body, and I get zero sleep. Zero sleep for mommy means a crabby mommy. A zombie mommy. A “Where is the fifth cup of coffee?” mommy.
Finally, I love my husband. One day the kids will be grown and all we will have is each other. I am not waiting until those years to love my husband. If we don’t love each other, take care of each other, and enjoy each other now, then those years will be like living with a stranger. Therefore, a kid sleeping between us every night doesn’t help us.
So it is the middle of the night and I am attempting the whole “Super Nanny” method. Don’t pretend you have never seen that show. You know the “don’t talk, just be there” method? I am wondering how did I get here? How is this kid so different from my other two that I have never had to do this before? And thank goodness my arm is tiny enough to fit through these cribs slats so I can at least sit on the floor! I contemplate whether am I being a “mean mommy” for not picking him up and putting him in bed with me. Those eyes, those sweet baby blue eyes are begging me … ahhhh … silence … he is asleep.
For a glorious hour he slept. Then he woke back up and I was too tired to do it again. So into bed with me he came. I swear as he snuggled up to me he got a devilish grin on his face that screamed, “Sucker!”
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