I want to talk about fears. We all have them. We all have ways of coping with or ignoring them. And it’s not often we actually have nerve to face and conquer them. I had decided that if I ever had another baby, I would not be having my baby at the same hospital. I decided I needed a new experience and a fresh start. And then I learned I will indeed be having another baby.Recently my perspective changed. If I chose to have this baby at the same hospital with the same OB I would actually be facing my pregnancy loss fears instead of running from them. And in that I realized true healing will come.
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| My four kids admiring their newest sibling |
Facing Pregnancy Loss Fears
Today has started out like any other Thursday. Get up and get ready for the day, get the kids to school, head to work, set up and play with my group of 1-3 year olds, tear down and head home. Except after all this I am heading to my first OB appointment for this newest pregnancy. It doesn’t hit me until about 11 am as I’m getting ready to drive to the very same hospital where nearly 3 years ago I delivered our last child, at 19 weeks, that I’m a nervous wreck. In exactly one month from today it will be three years since I heard those words. “Your baby does not have a heartbeat.”
Those are the most devastating words an expectant mom can ever hear. Words that caused my world to come crashing down around me, my husband, and my family. Words that meant I would meet our son and say goodbye to him all in the same day. Words that also took me on an emotional three year journey filled with tears, pain, and ultimately healing.
As I was getting ready to leave the house my thoughts shocked me with “what if they can’t find the baby’s heartbeat today?” That was the exact thought I had the day I found out our sweet Andrew indeed did not have a heartbeat.
But today I still got in the van and drove there. I still parked my van and walked in. I still got on the elevator and pushed the button for the fifth floor, hoping I’m still right about the office location. I still kept it together as I nervously told the recepionist I had an 11:40 appointment and waited for her to take my copay and hand me paperwork to fill out. I’ve made it this far. I’m facing these pregnancy loss fears with one foot in front of the other. Taking deep breaths along the way.And like a bandage being ripped off to avoid prolonged pain, the nurse calls me back, and asks me to step into room 2. Room 2. I never paid attention to which room number it was, but I know it by sight. This is the room my husband and I heard those unforgettable 7 words nearly 3 years ago. So here I am facing my fears, no matter how hard this is. No matter how much my nerves are beginning to get the best of me, no matter that I’m nearly on the verge of tears, and may have actually shed a few, but refuse to let it show.
Once my OB came in I felt much calmer. We’ve developed a friendship over all these years and I know she understands all my fears and quickly says I will be getting another quick look at baby G. That was enough to make me excited and relieved all at once. Being able to see the baby’s growth and heartbeat is all the reassurance I need right now. There on the fuzzy screen is a squirmy feisty growing baby with a strong heartbeat. Fears dispelled once again. And I get to go home grateful for another day of a healthy pregnancy. I’m somewhere between 9-10 weeks along. This might be a long healing process facing and fighting my pregnancy loss fears. But with my first OB appointment down, I now know it will get easier.
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Tags: death of child
