Wedding preparations started months ago but when is it ever really done? I took the two days off before my daughter’s wedding so I could be available for anything she needed. The moment the clock showed 5pm I left work and was sucked in to the wedding wormhole where an alternate universe exists on the other side of sanity. And it was awesome! Non-stop tasks, errands, details and preparations. I got to be her problem solver and even earned the “Human Xanax Award”. I can’t believe my daughter is growing up right before my eyes.
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I was on autopilot. My mom hat was on and I was taking care of my baby girl. I chose not to contemplate any further. It was time for action. Days blurred in to the wedding ceremony, which was heart rending but I was still on duty. The reception immediately began requiring continued work. It was only after a somewhat hung-over and sleepless night that I realized I could no longer ignore the ache in my heart.
My feet hurt too badly to run from dancing so long in heels less comfortable than my running shoes. My husband left for our normal Sunday run alone. My little girl was a grown and married woman. It was 5am, cold and dark outside. I needed to write to untangle my heart.
These are the words that found me when thinking about how my daughter is growing up: Letting Go
Daughter Is Growing Up
When they are young we can pick them up and feel the strength of our arms protecting them and loving them. We are strong. We can solve their problems. We can dry their tears, hold them, rock them and speak with confidence that everything will be ok. We have time; they are young.
Sometimes it takes minutes or hours to calm the sobs, soothe the anger or quell the fears. We can teach them and tell them stories. We impart our knowledge and wisdom by pouring our hearts in to their minds. We have time; they are young.
Years pass. We read stories, go on adventures, snuggle with movies. Each day a new question more difficult than the last. Every month a new challenge, every year a new heart break. Do Band-aids grow smaller? Or are my children now bigger? Will I fail to prepare them for life? Am I failing now as a parent?
And then you realize your daughter is growing up. My all-powerful Momzilla is a façade. It is a fantasy where I slay the dragons and happily ever after is within my power. I am spent and defeated now looking up at my children who are taller than I (especially when Lorissa wears heels).
I did not make them smart. I did not make them brave. I did not defeat the monsters. They did. They are strong and beautiful human beings that chose the life they live.
I now know that I have only two tasks as a parent. First is to believe in them. They may not choose the path that I fantasized, on the timeline that I prefer within the comfort zone of my selfish universe. I believe in them. They are smart and strong and will thrive without me and in spite of me. They show me the joy of their love and the passion of their goals. My heart is happy seeing their faces glow.
My second task is to never stop believing in them; which means that I accept them. I don’t get to pull their strings and make their choices because I don’t have all the answers and all the solutions. I watch them find their path and their partner. And my heart swells with tears of joy. I get to see that look of love in their eyes when they are not looking at me.
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