Katie Katie Parsons is the creator of Mumbling Mommy and is a freelance writer, editor and communications specialist. She works from her home office on the east coast of Florida. Most often she writes about life in a combined family of five children and what it's like being a full time work-from-home parent. Feel free to pitch guest post ideas or just drop her a line at katie@mumblingmommy.com.

I’m not a football fan. 

I went to high school games to socialize, and spent more time doing keg stands outside my college football stadium than inside it. When I say I grew up near Chicago, people tell me that I am obviously a Bears fan (I’m not) and even living in Indianapolis around 2006 wasn’t enough to convince me to start painting my face blue or to name my firstborn Peyton.

For 8 months out of the year, this part of my identity is really no big deal. I get invited to cookouts, and meet up with friends on the weekends, and feel overall like I am a functioning member of society.

Then mid-August hits. And everything changes.

For those of you who love football and don’t understand people like me, humor me for a few minutes and step into my fall reality. For those of you in my shoes who are also not a football fan — you’re welcome.

I’m not a football fan and here’s what I observe…

People being straight up nasty to each other.

I don’t understand how otherwise sane people can get so ugly to each other in a public space over the way a new uniform looks, or a call a ref made 50 years ago, or the chances some 18 year old has to be a NFL quarterback four years in the future (especially since it seems to me that every single one ends up permanently injured or incarcerated before that chance even arrives). Social media is like one big football party on the weekends — one I don’t really want to attend, even if I was invited.  But I’m not bitter…

Social media is a lonely place on the weekends.

Every post is college or professional-football themed. Angry tirades directed at you-must-be-blind refs. Photos of babies dressed in their first college football onesies. Photos of dogs wearing UF, or IU, or XYZ sweaters. Links debating what team will win the championship that is still 100 months away. Video clips of the latest obscure record-breaking thing that will be forgotten when the next ones happens in 20 minutes. I can appreciate a cute baby or pet, no matter what he or she is wearing, but I never know if I should click that “like” button for fear that I’m associated with a particular team (which I know nothing about) for the rest of my life.

not a football fan
Photo source

Scheduling is tricky.

Apparently football season means that everyone has to honor every team’s schedule all at once when planning anything non-football related. If you don’t follow this unwritten rule, you will inadvertently offend someone by scheduling something during a game that he or she must watch. My husband and I have an ongoing argument about fall weddings that goes something like this:

Husband: Anyone who schedules a wedding in the fall is selfish.
Me: You can’t be serious?! You can watch football any time of day, any weekend in the fall. People only get married once.
Husband: Well, they should do it in the winter, spring or summer. It is so rude to expect people to come during college football season.
Me: (jaw drops to the floor, appalled).

The worst part of this conversation is that at least five other people who have been around when it has happened have agreed with him. In fact, I have yet to find one person who agrees with me that this is absurd crazy talk. What’s even worse than that is that watching a football game (even just from your living room) is apparently a socially acceptable excuse to decline other invitations.

I’m due to deliver a daughter in November — fingers crossed she comes on a Tuesday.

not a football fan

Everyone wants to convert you.

The comparison of football to religion is really no joke. If you mention that you don’t watch football, or (gasp) don’t like football, everyone thinks that he or she will be the one to enlighten you.

“Oh, you probably just haven’t found the right team yet. You should watch MY team — then you’ll become a fan.”

“It sounds like you’ve had a bad experience in the past. You should give it another try and have an open mind!”

“You poor thing! You must not have grown up with football in your house!” (disclaimer: my mother loves football, and regularly texts my husband about it)

“You haven’t lived until you’ve worshipped at the pigskin altar (or something equally ridiculous).”

It is a waste of breath to explain your happy, non-football lease on life. People look at you with sad eyes, hoping that one day you find the light.

Anyone else not a football fan? 

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Category: Fall

Tags: autumn