The concept of bullying is difficult for those of us who have been taught, and have taught our own children, the importance of being kind to others. Bullying and unkindness are not the standard. Of course, we don’t have to necessarily like someone all the time, but that’s not a reason to make his or her life miserable. So for those of us in the non-bullying mindset, it’s hard to accept that a person would question, disapprove or discourage our drive to pursue, to be, to achieve and to reach a personal life goal. How do we even start helping children with bullies?

I am a grandmother to 5 (number 6 on the way) incredible grandchildren. Their parents affirm them and help them realize their gifts and strengths. My guess is that somewhere along the way, a bully may cause them to doubt their innate awesomeness. I then start to wonder on how I should be helping children with bullies. They may doubt a personal strength or gift due to a few cruel words. Each of my 5 grandchildren are remarkable and gifted with specific loves, hates, strengths, and hopes. For their life journey to be fulfilling and energizing, they will need to explore these loves and strengths, and have trusted others to urge them on to their personal greatness.

I was a quiet, shy kid when I was in grade school. I would have been a good target for the more mature or mean spirited person. My kindergarten teacher gently encouraged my mother to have me see a specialist since I was unable to speak. Mom’s response was, “She talks constantly at home!” That night, Mom told me to talk at least a little bit at school every day. After the first few words, I was on a roll. If anyone was a bully target, I would have qualified … scared and unsure of myself, with a penchant for daydreaming. But, I genuinely don’t remember anyone ever bullying me.

How We Should Be Helping Children With Bullies

This is my opinion … and my degree is only at the bachelor level … but I think  a bully can only succeed if a person has not realized his or her “gift;” their unique place in this world. The teenage boys in the facility where I work have been expelled from schools, been in juvenile court several times, had interventions of all sorts, and have now arrived at our Department of Correction juvenile facility. They have been given the message for several years that they are not allowed in regular school programs, are not considered appropriate for sports teams, and have had backs turned on them because everyone is just tired of their behavior. Why should they strive for more than a life of crime?

My goal is to try to build up their self-concept by pointing out strengths and achievements. When they mess up, I talk to them and try to let them figure out their next step. “What pushed your buttons?” “What were you thinking before the last poor choice?” “Why would you let that person get to you?” “Why did you hit the kid when you know I’d have to give you extra time here?” “Do you want to talk about it?”

I choose to avoid negative labels and cruel words. That has been their life story to date. Some of these young men are wise beyond their years, creative, inventive, and driven. Unfortunately, this has caused them to get into trouble with parents, schools, and the law. But they’re still teenage boys. (No disrespect intended, young men. You’ll understand my comment in a couple of years). We offer them therapeutic groups, an education (high school or GED completion), a standard of behavior, staff to talk to, rewards for successes, and sanctions for poor choices … something every kid needs to know.

If a person doesn’t know the parameters, they can’t really understand the “game.” A child who understands the basic guidelines of respect and the right to choose will probably not bully. And a child who is affirmed and encouraged will have a caring support system to turn to when the mean spirited cause them to question their awesomeness. They may (very likely) still be bullied at some point, but they will have a pro-social filter to process the event, as well as people they trust to discuss the concern.

How have you been helping children with bullies?

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Category: Grandparents

Tags: bully proofing